Valiant Officer Heroically Defends Self Against Local Youth Gang

Officer Dick Hardison, a respected 2-month veteran of the Seattle police force, came upon a gang of youth engaging in suspicious activities in a local schoolyard at noon on Thursday.  The youth were running around the schoolyard in a frenetic manner, which Hardison describes as "wilding", or a possible gang initiation ceremony. Hardison witnessed one youth chase and assault another youth, yelling "you're it!", followed by the assaulted youth in turn chasing other youths. Officer Hardison also reports that they were wearing gang colors, such as red, blue, yellow, orange, and green.  Hardison, who had just finished a shift and was driving home in an unmarked car and wearing plain clothes, witnessed these activities from the street as he was driving by, pulled his vehicle to the side of the road and gestured to the apparent gang leader to come to his car.

Copyright 2012 Erich Seifert

The leader failed to comply with Hardison's instructions.  Additionally, another member of the gang gestured towards officer Hardison with an elongated cylindrical object (later identified by ballistic experts as a "Pez dispenser") which the officer took to be a gun.  The youth did not immediately comply when Hardison instructed him to "relinquish your ordnance".  Hardison averted what he took to be a grave threat to his person by firing twelve rounds on the gang. Two youths were killed immediately, and four were wounded, with one later dying.

Chief of Police Bobby Harrier defended Hardison's actions, saying that the youth had failed to show proper respect for an officer of the peace.  He added, however, that Hardison would be sent for remedial firearms training, to improve his shooting accuracy. "'One shot, one hit' is our motto," said Harrier.

Ms. Celeste Carpenter, kindergarten teacher at Highland Park Elementary School, who lost 2 students in the incident, commented to the press that "words like 'relinquish' and 'ordnance' aren't in the vocabulary of most 5 and 6 year olds".  She also said that she teaches her students never to get into the cars of strangers.  Chief Harrier responded to these statements by calling Mrs. Carpenter a "commie" and demanding that the school board immediately terminate her. 

Highland Park parents are divided in their opinions of the incident.  Some side with Ms. Carpenter. But Brenda Lipschitz, mother of a Highland Park first-grader and spokeswoman for the Society Honoring the Ever-Expanding Power of Law Enforcement (SHEEPLE), captured the sentiment of some parents when she stated: "We haven't seen a single pair of elbows on the table since last Thursday. It's hard to argue with results like that." Timmy Lipschitz was unavailable for comment, as he no longer speaks.

Officer Hardison was given paid leave while the police department investigated the incident, but has already been cleared to return to work.  He will be decorated for valor in a ceremony on Tuesday, the same day as the funeral for Samuel Waters, 5, the reputed gang leader.

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More shining examples:

• of the honorable
• and valiant
• Seattle police force
• (with emphasis on the word 'FORCE'!)  The "Cinerama slam" is now routinely taught to new Seattle police officers, as an appropriate way to arrest suspects who have stopped running and put their hands up in surrender.  Officers are also taught that after utilizing the slam, it's a good idea to drag the suspect around on the pavement for a while, to ensure that the spinal cord injury "sticks".